October 05, 2010

Words vs. Actions

So many times, I have told my children that their actions speak louder than their words.  So many times, I have tripped myself up over this very thing, I am human after all.  But, I am trying to live by example and teach my children to do as I do, not as I say.  Same thing goes for respect.  I teach my children, that in order to be respected, they, in turn, need to show respect.  What about that saying, "you treat others like you want to be treated." 

So, why do some people feel that they don't have to respect me?  They say they have nothing against me or my family, BUT, their actions speak SO much louder than their words.  I show them the respect that they deserve, and treat them the way I want expect to be treated, but they insist on disrespecting, and not treating me fairly.  There are times, I resort in treating them the way they treat me, and I feel awful about it.  When I call them on their bad behavior towards my family or I, I am the 'bad person', the mean one, the outcast.

Really, am I such a bad, mean, terrible person?  I think I am a nice, caring, and loving person, but, that is not only my opinion, but many dear friends who have let me cry on their shoulders.  Would my dear sweet husband have chosen ME if I was mean, cold hearted, and a terrible person?

How many times, weeks, months, years, should I have to keep enduring this torture, this level of severe dislike, just to be accepted and loved?  Frankly, I have given up on trying.  I am me, and that is all that matters.  I am tired of trying to be someone else, being beaten down, trying to be someone who will do anything to be accepted by them. 

My dream, is to have two families come together in harmony on special occasions.  Not, for me, but for my children.  They are my life, my love.  I am not sure if some can put aside their differences, their attitude towards others, so that way MY children can have memories of their whole extended family together on Christmas morning, family get togethers, etc. 

From the beginning, I have been looking in from the outside and I SEE the things that my children, Nat, and I are missing out on.  I see the relationships forming with extended family members, and long for that, but I know in my heart that THAT will never happen.

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